I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
