i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
