I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
