i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
