I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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