Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
