Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
