I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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