Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Quick, to the slutcave!
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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