Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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