I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
