can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
