you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
