There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Also, beer. Big fan.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
