apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
