Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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