I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
high people should be assigned attendants
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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