No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
