the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My bed is full of blood and feathers
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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