I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
