i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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