i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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