one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
