Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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