So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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