I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
