I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
