I should be sponsored by Trojan
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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