my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Oh god it's open bar.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
