i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
