Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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