3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
