my soul wont recognize me after tonight
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
