would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
