I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
