so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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