I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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