You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
