What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
