I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
