i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
