I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
