babies were throwing up all over the place
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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