ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
