She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
