Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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