You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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