And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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