Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
