ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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