Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
